MTV's "The Hills" is all about the drama

Okay, so I was a freshman in high school when the first installment of shitty "reality tv" was created, also known as Laguna Beach (well, I guess formally known) and that was bad enough. For those of you lucky enough to avoid the show, it was basically about these juniors and seniors in high school, the bitchy blonde (+ 1 brunette) girls along with their surfer/jock/asshole boyfriends and boy toys. Now, I have nothing against boy toys, for they fulfill one purpose in life, to satisfy a single woman who doesn't want to settle down, but for these (mostly Kristin and Lauren) aka LC (are men that ridiculous they need to shorten names so they know what to scream at night??) girls, boys are just another accessory to go along with their hollywood fake tans and their jumbo sunglasses that turn their already abnormal faces into aliens (i won't know the big sunglasses, for i own pairs of them, but they look like morons in them) For a while, that show proved to be a nice solace getaway from my Bethel Park roots where drama just wasn't high enough to phase me...I mean c'mon, I don't think one girl from my high school went through the laundry list of boys these two drama queens did, (well, maybe the class of '08 and below is a different story...) and I do not remember any men thinking up (or being bullied into) the creative ways to asking us girls to prom and/or homecoming. For me personally, it was just a simple "wanna go" "ok" type deal, and I'm fine with that, but stereotyping men into this category where chivalry is forced upon them to make their asinine interior fade is just as much bullshit as the "real" script they read over every week. Let's face it, no man would ever think up writing "PROM?" in roses or candles by a pool, and if they do, please give me their numbers...and FAST.
That's beside the point though...now after "LC" moved on with her life and moved on to rough times in Beverly Hills in her top back Mercedes and her luxurious pad, she actually had to find a real job...oh no...god forbid anyone with money actually has to work to make a living. But wait! It gets better! She scores a dream job at Teen Vogue, well actually, she becomes Teen Vogue's little computer/club bitch, which she screws up royally when she chooses a man over Paris (who the HELL would do that?) and lets Heidi (her extremely obnoxious, brainless roommate) crash some of the parties TV is hosting. On the upside, at least her coworker Whitney seems to have some common sense, and shows no real sympathy for when Lauren keeps going back to assholes who don't treat her right...unfortunately she becomes the butt of awkward face punchlines everywhere, and can't seem to get Lauren off her ass so she can get a real job.
So anyway, in typical Hollywood fashion, Heidi finds her perfect counterpart, the equally (if not more) obnoxious dick for brains Spencer, who is a free-loading playboy wannabe banking off of his sister's money (I wish I were making this up...but check it out for yourself) and this dynamic duo makes for rough waters between Lauren and Heidi, because Lauren, being the good friend that she is, disapproves of the way Spencer treats Heidi (okay, what about that drunken piece of shit she dated named Jason?) and Heidi ends up getting engaged to the moron and moves in with him...aka she's the breadwinner and he sits around watching Lost and painting murals of totally rad graffiti all over the place.
Anyway, enough with the background. I hate this show for two reasons: First, it's incredibly addicting, simply for the fact that every week I tune in to see what kind of dumb shit they do next, and who gets another nose job (Heidi, your lips and nose look like shit, get your money back) and second, they say this shit is real, yet anytime you look at Audrina talking, you can tell she's reading straight from a script. It sickens me that I'm drawn to this MTV crap, but I honestly try to count how many times Whitney makes the (omg/wow) face in an episode, or how many times a boy screws them over. One thing is for sure, Brody can go back to Keeping Up With The Kardashians - because he looks like an ugly pug who was kicked by its owner (sad by true - and I DO NOT advocate animal cruelty) and even though Jason was probably high off of his ass during every episode, at least he made it entertaining by being overly-extravagant and saying "omg what did i do?" every five minutes. Ah, quality television.
For a while, I figured that Laguna Beach was dramatic enough. I mean honestly, a bunch of teenagers partaking in underage drinking (yahhhtzeeeee) and using mommy and daddy's credit card to go to Cabo every other weekend was entertaining, but in the real world - it's just not the same. I honestly think the Hills would gain more viewers if they dropped Heidi, Lauren, and Audrina off in the Bronx or somewhere -- maybe even Philly or Compton...did anyone catch Heidi's attempt at rapping on youtube anywhere? She rapped for Nelly, and I think now officially the rap culture is dead. I think a REAL reality show needs some REAL drama, set them up in Compton next to Paris Hilton and Nicole Ritchie and have them bloods and crips take some target practice at them...or maybe even introduce them to some real-life crack addicts...maybe like an Intervention meets a Snoop Dogg music video. Hell yes.
Either way, I'm still going to watch the rest of the season, even though their new music downloading feature blows (I still haven't found a song they played 30 seconds of on the second episode of this season and it's bugging the hell out of me) because I am mesmerized by Heidi's disgusting nose/lip job she had done in between seasons. I guess she was going for the 24-hour pouty look, congratulations! Where will Lauren go from here? She is already pouncing on Whitney's career and talking with the enemy...PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE MTV! Put Spencer and Lauren into like a lemonade stand competition...see if the freeloader can make any money with his scraggly ass poor man's facial hair. Now that's real television.

Oh and MTV, thanks for ruining a quality Natasha Bedingfield song...it was catchy the first 3747383832873723 times it was played.


Oh well, at least it's not the Paper...