"If you ever hurt me, I'll fucking kill you." That would be the tag line to one of Tila Tequila's "songs." I say it in quotes because her music is so fucking terrible I think William Hung has a better voice than her. To get the cheap shots out of the way, the clinically midget-Tila is trying to find love on television...but it gets better. She is trying to find love on MTV, for the SECOND time. I have to admit, I watched the whole first season up at school and watched her give this huge "I'm bisexual" charade for a couple of months and then end up picking a guy...some douchebag from New York named Bobby. Of course, the relationship didn't last, and only after a few days of the decision being public of who she chose, she announced plans for a second season.
What is it with all these washed up stars trying to get back their fifteen minutes of fame? First it's that faggot Flava Flave, then New York, then Bret Michaels, now Tila Tequila. First of all, this Tila character was only known on Myspace (maybe Jeffrey Starr should get a show next?) and she was known as a model and for her music (whoever thought some asian chick who looks like she's 10 with a bad attitude and dirty mouth would get a television show coulda fooled me.) The first season was pathetic enough (yet strangely intriguing) with weird lesbians running around in caution tape (Hey! girl hey! anyone?) and butch girls like Dani (she shoulda won) while the men sit dumbstruck and salivating over girl-on-girl action. This whole show is like Match.com on television for celebrities that need to bring in more cash while trailing along innocent (yet equally pathetic) "normal" people. You look at some of their occupations and wonder if they will actually have a job when they don't get that god forsaken key (teachers? what the fuck?)
Now in the middle of the second season, from the get-go I was disappointed there was no Dani-counterpart sheman to take over and dominate the competition. Instead, we have two of the biggest douchebags I have ever seen (Jersey and that ugly guy with the random bleach spot) parading around the show organizing panty raids and acting all bro-like. Men with egos like that piss me off, and instead of giving them a key, I would have shoved the key up their asses because thats what Jersey boy bitches enjoy. I definitely thought George was the only decent guy on the show, and now that he is kicked off for not wanting to talk about sex (I call that a blessing?) there is no real gems left in that bunch (why is glitter still on the show?)
Just in case you all missed it...THERE'S A CLIFFHANGER! The two douchebags tag team Bo and he gets headbutted (please send the bitches home) so now it's all in next weeks hands to see what happens. Anyway, the competitions are pretty sweet too. Eating pigs vagina seems so appetizing, and if my boyfriend asked me to do that to show my love for him, by golly would I do that! (sarcasm alert!) How about taking shots of tartar sauce and hot sauce? Oh hell yes I am in! Why the hell not? I mean honestly, heartburn goes away, but true unadulterated television relationships last forever! (or until the next season's contract comes up) Cleverly adding in "blue balls" and "pearl necklaces" show the true and pure genius of the woman that is Tila Tequila. I mean seriously, with a name like that and such a successful singing career, who wouldn't think of her as anything less than professional?
Seriously, I'm not sure why I watch the MTV reality shows like I do, I just have this weird compulsion to see who wins (I'm all on team Bo now) and why the hell not? It gives me something to make my less than eventful life more interesting, and gives me something to look forward to just in case I can't find love on my own or with the help of an internet dating site. I think we should all aspire to be a part of the television dating series, it's like AOL chatrooms for the millennium. Even better, it's like getting caught with a vibrator but not being shunned about it. What a great feeling! Even if you do have to go after someone who looks like a gorilla? Oh well, she doesn't give a fuck and neither do I! I'm going to find love even if it kills me! (But not without the rigorous testing procedure first.) I mean, you'll never know if a man/woman (I don't discriminate) is good enough for you until you throw them into a house with a bunch of people and tell them to fetch you blue balls on a slip and slide and ride a bull.
Word of advice if my boyfriend (or even a future boyfriend or husband...whatever works) if you want to earn my love and keep it, you better start working out that mouth and those forearms...and you better not fear anything!
So world, you've got a shot at love...are you interested?
